Steps in/ to a sugar baby

I’ve been silent for a while. There’re several reasons. I’ve written two drafts but they disappeared. One was an analytic essay about women in Chinese feudal society, inspired by a popular ancient drama “Empress of China”, which depicts how the one and only woman gained the power of an emperor. Since I was watching this series every night and the topic suddenly reminded me of so many other ancient dramas I’ve seen when I was young. They had different backgrounds, settings but similar plot when it comes to concubines’ competitions. Maybe for most of you, it’s funny to watch a group of young pretty girls chasing for one old man. But such plot does explain some situations in the society, especially the sugar bowl. I can perfectly match both circumstances. Anyway, I’ll work on the essay when I have the mood to write and Photoshop pics. The second one was a simple report of my recent “work”.电视剧武则天

I’m not going to call sugar baby a “work” any more. Perhaps, my understanding was transformed in time. If I use economics principles to view my input and output in the last few weeks, my marginal cost (opportunity cost) definitely exceeded my marginal benefit. For firms, it’s at a short frame loss and the next step is to shut down. So I did “shut down” for one week and I ate excessively every single day and stopped caring about my looks which is the biggest current asset a sugar baby firm possesses.

I had one hasty lunch appointment and three appointments canceled or rescheduled. Meanwhile I also meditated about everything I had done for being a sugar baby. At the beginning, I disliked the name sugar baby/ sugar daddy. It sounded shallow and vain. After I came to the Netherlands, I found that I lost all my privileges. It was unbelievably harsh to live in a crappy apartment with shared facilities, cycle 40 mins to school in blistering cold just because the public transport is expensive. experts_2532963bAs well as chronic depression, loneliness, breakup, bicycle accidents every day, they attacked my life one following the other in an extremely short time. I used to live in decent houses, go to most places by family cars or taxi, go to any restaurant I wanted, but I never thought I was spoiled. It was just an ordinary life I lived and appreciated. The huge contrast between current and previous lives triggered more negative feelings, even doing grocery was frustrating. I didn’t speak any Dutch; I had no friends or anyone close in this country; I had no driver, car or any privilege, the amount in my bank account was limited; and I was insecure because all of this. 24oranges.nl-ING-bank-card-1395044661I experienced the hard time accepting my reality and trying to live a poor international student’s life. But I had so much freedom not to do with money. Eventually, I improved my life by being in a relationship, gaining some mental support. Unfortunately, I picked the wrong guy. It was another two months after breakup, insecurity, loneliness, language problem were still there. And I had a horrible bicycle accident which really scared me and shrunk my bank account. Not long later, I recovered from the accident but my bank account could never recover.

To be continued…

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My Fading Memories-Before Sugar Work

Today, I had a scary discovery.

I met R on 28th November, in a lame bar near my apartment. At that time, I still continuously felt sad and lonely in this country. So I was quite active on tinder and my matched went up to over 200 later. R was one of the first dozens of matches. My kinky taste in men made me set the age from 30 plus(now I even think 30 is a bit young for me). So I quickly chatted with R on Tinder and then on whatsapp. Official-Tinder-App-Coming-Soon-on-Windows-Phone-420184-3We didn’t talk much and I didn’t find him special at the beginning. He was just of many Tinder guys who wanted to ask me out. I was bored, so I thought maybe I could go to meet someone near my home on a Friday night. I was absolutely laid-back about the meeting and I remembered that I only wore a simple fat sweater cycling to the bar. It was a typical old style Dutch bar, there were drug dealers standing outside trying to sell me drug. I stumbled outside of the bar and screamed naturally. It was an embarrassing moment, but I couldn’t waste another minute, I was already late.

The moment I walked in, I felt the warm room temperature, cozy and comfy. I soon recognized him, he was a tall and micro-fat man, dressing business casual. He literally shocked me at the first impression because he was way too much influential. I suddenly distinguished his job, a charismatic person like him must be a middle or high class manager. I was impressed by his charisma, and his extreme charm which I recognize as a playboy’s tricks alerted my defensive system. So my first impression was such a funny mixture. amsterdambarThat spark in his eyes, subtle twist on his lips sent a pretty sexual signal, and I was so sure he liked me. My instinct responded such sexual attraction in a negative way in the next second. Although he started touching my hand and being sweet, I was analyzing his every move and started saying upsetting experience trying to make him lose sexual interest in me. But apparently, it didn’t work out. At one point of our mindless conversation, I changed my mind and we kissed. What made me go home with him was his nose physically, as nose indicates male genital organ in some way. I was defeated by his overwhelming charms and I surrendered to my desperation. With a growing bold heart, I went into his car and we went to his apartment.

The sex was superior. Physically, he was the type I preferred, tall(close to 2m), a bit fat(double my weight). I had never had that kind of exciting sex which I had always wanted. He then became the oldest guy I had had sex with and the best also. I thought it was a one-night stand, but he seemed more serious and brought up a casual relationship. We could lie on the bed switching between sex and a patient conversation for a whole day; we shared so much personal experience; we cooked together, watched movies together, slept together; I cried in front of me… For a period of time, I found that I started relying on him which was something harmful to me. The time we saw each other was not long, two weeks after
acquaintance, he left for vacation in South America. The night before he left, he came to me and we talked a lot again. He said he felt more for me than what he expected. I tried to have a cold heart and a casual attitude towards him and my relationship. I was still hurt from my breakup, being with him was a kind of distraction, I told myself.  alz2 (1)

I felt so much about him, about life. All those moments with him, curdling on sofa with him seeing pics of his family, etc seemed to fade away with 5 weeks time. Today, I felt really strange. Part of me has forgotten who he was in only 5 weeks, it scared me a little. By writing this, my memories of some details which trigger feelings are coming back but the taste is different. I had experienced a lot, changed a lot in 5 weeks, which might directly influence my memories. I feel so scared and helpless losing memories, senses. I don’t understand why my memories about 1 month ago are so vague and untraceable now, amnesia? We had dinner tonight, I’m collecting my feelings back. In my vague feelings, I’m both afraid of him and like him. Do I really have these contradictory feelings?

Why I talk about R on this blog featured in sugar baby experience is because he was a very important person who opened my door of freedom to the sugar bowl. I’ll explain in more detail in my book.

My Ongoing Sugar Work

I like to call it a work because my effort devoted to my sugar baby career has exceeded any other work I’ve done. Several years ago, in the best public middle school , I realized that hardworking didn’t necessarily lead to good payback, but the persistence and never say die spirit would eventually reward you.

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I originally wanted to put my update of “The Confession of a Pineapple” here, but my update is too slow. I’m still in the chapter one, landing off in Amsterdam… I’m going to record my ongoing contact with some potential sugar daddies.

Due to sickness and school exams, last two weeks were literally torturing. As I mentioned before, I have no interest in going to a business school and graduate to be some staff member in some company. My only interest in business is related to these successful entrepreneur, CEO, managers, financial analysts. At the beginning, I worried that I would feel so small beside these men, but my experience eliminated my worries and fears.They’re just people who are a little luckier and richer than the rest. To retrospect my life, I never felt self-contemptuous in front of people who are more powerful than me, but I did feel inferior about my looks like many other girls. Also, I was never treated differently because of gender in my entire childhood when my cognition  was developing, so I always feel and think men and women are equal. In short, my experience of growth shapes my identities and defines my sugar baby style.

I actually didn’t have a style in the first month because I knew nothing, I had no experience and too naive. With time, I gradually found my style and set a better mindset. There are nice conversations, short conversations, simple dates, date plus and ect happening now. This week, I have three dates arranged, but two were rescheduled(which I really don’t like), the last one is a dinner date tonight.

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These three men are not from Amsterdam. two are from Belgium, one is from Germany, so they’re traveling to Amsterdam for work and see me. The last time I went to a date was two weeks ago, with a Dutch based in America who came back to Amsterdam for passport renew. So he was not a potential sugar daddy technically. I haven’t seen any potential SD for a long time, I almost forget the feeling of seeing one. These three are all my potential SDs, so I may have to present myself well. A good makeup, and a relaxed mindset will help me pass this level easily. Most SDs are businessmen, my business school has its impact in some meetings which is the only reason I’m memorizing principles of economics, management theories and marketing concepts. But I do find almost all SDs only care about my looks, I could tell if they were listening to me or only looking at my face and thinking about sex. I got better picturing the man’s intention by capturing their eye sights and facial expressions. I could have done better if I could be confident about my judgments. As a future psychology student, I think observing these men in a meeting or date really amusing.

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Except these three dates with my potential SDs, I’m also contacting more SDs at the same time. Mainly by whatsapp msgs, as well as emails. Since I’m chatting with more than 5 men at the same time, I sometimes feel a bit exhausted from work. I made my whatsapp, skype full of work contacts but I don’t put enough effort to develop all of them. Maybe I don’t need to develop 10 SDs at the same time, but I chose to contact with more people was for increasing my success rate. Now, I feel I may need to divide all my SDs contacts to different categories and focus on few realistic SDs in the following days. I’m expanding my contacts but I don’t have appropriate strategies dealing with it, so I really need to think carefully and do something effective as soon as possible.

I’ll update when I come up with something new.

Microeconomics of Sugar baby(daddy) Market

As I was preparing for my finals, I made a graph of sugar bowl market. Yes, I’m a business student who is very clever in many other fields of study, except business. This year of Business and Management study may be the worst study I’ve ever done.

demand, supply curve  Application of microeconomics.

demand, supply curve
Application of microeconomics.

For me, the only interesting part of business is my close look at business, for example, talking with successful businessmen in my sugar experience.

The graph above may contain many mistakes, welcome to correct me. Better before my Economic exam. 😛

Jumping into the Sugar Bowl

I may never have this much freedom.

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This is a thought that frequently strengthens my behavior. I describe the country, I’m living in, as a country of freedom. However, I could never get freedom just by landing on the ground. The real freedom  must be accepted by heart. Nowadays, I embrace my freedom and utilize it to the maximum regardless of my carefully protected reputation. At the moment, I want to simply talk about the acceptance of freedom at the last but most important step. We all have a gate, a fence, a sort of protection that may be translated to learned principles, learned fears or learned morals. I found the real freedom was outside of this thin or thick layer of protection.

I opened my gate and surprisingly saw a splendid world and then I felt the paramount freedom rushing into me. When I opened my heart, I knew I had already had my freedom. My liberation, my rights of being a human. I was in the middle of nowhere but wherever I stepped forward, there was my direction of my life.

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s call. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild.”

birds in cage

I’m relieved to live with a free mind which justifies my deeds. No matter I choose to be a hardworking college student who closes herself in a foreign country or to be an innocent gold-digger who opens herself to the extreme. My previous decent education and intelligence grant me privileges to be a top student, so it’s not exciting to be an A student anymore. Whereas, my adventurous drive and growing curiosity lead me to take risks, challenge and  enjoy the wildness of my rest youth. Being a so-called gold-digger is my choice out of my perception of freedom. It has nothing to do with my morals or my belief in feminism.

What I’m going to tell are only personal experience and thoughts.

January. Writing Project “The confession of a pineapple”

In this one month, I’ve experienced plenty of the mysterious adult world, a world requires Ms .Charming or Mr. Wealthy ID card. My boldness and restless impulse encouraged me to enter this world which may not be belong to me in any case. Thus, my adventurous experience seems more precious to me and I do want to share it with you.

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The Confession of a pineapple

A relevance of the elegant underground sex transaction. An ongoing struggles of identity and confusion. It’s not either a tedious documentary or an affectionate memoir. There’s no lectured truism, but genuine share of my growth…

Why I created this page?

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The idea of having a website has always been tempting.

With growing freedom, guts and experience, I finally decided to get hands on. The content of this website may vary, as I, a professional amateurish  is on her way learning how to technologically operate a website and properly write.

It’s not a blog, it’s a site of self-actualization.

—— Pineapple